Last November, I went out for a walk on Shabbat late afternoon around 4:00pm. The sun was setting soon. I had a heavy heart as I walked through the grassy field. I walked by the cat tails along the way and the patches of briars and thorns that were slowly dying because of the cold snap last night. On my way back to the house, I began crying out to Abba from a heart of misery. Why have I been so miserable my entire life? Even from before age 4, I never knew how to be happy. I have never truly known joy in my whole life. The typical question of why am I the way that I am came up too. But then I stopped and really began crying out why has the misery not escaped me? What happened to me when I was young that my life could have turned out different and I could have lived a life of joy? I have told the enemy I do not want his oppression. I have told Father that I only want his Spirit. Yet, I still go on miserable. Even my own mom was delivered from 38 years of pain only by the Spirit working. Only by His hand. I finally resolved the fact that I was willing to go to even a Henry Wright conference if needed to find freedom from this misery I live with daily. Abba I know you use man to help man in this life, but I have no need for useless psychologist, or head doctors (not saying this about Henry Wright). I know you used Pharaoh in your plan to deliver your people from bondage, but it was YOU who delivered them from bondage. I believe you can deliver me Abba. Why has the misery plagued me so much in my life? And then…
I looked over at the side of the grassy road, mixed with rocks that I was walking along, and there was a single BRIGHT YELLOW FLOWER that seemed to be beaming in the fading sunlight. Oh my, I said..is it that simple Father? I looked around and there was not ONE single flower to be found but that one. I walked over to it and knelt down. I counted the perfect petals on it. Eight petals. The number of new beginnings. Is it that simple I said? Then I felt Abba truly saying to me…find happiness in the little things. Find joy in the little things. That’s it. Then I completed His response with, then I will find joy in the big things. Because no matter how well life was treating me, I could never be happy—even when things were going perfectly. It is a wall…an impassable wall, this misery is. And as I was walking back to the house, after I decided to pick the flower, I was just dumbfounded at my experience and his response. I kept looking down at the flower I was holding and then looking around to find no other flower around. Not even a weed flower. Everything was mowed down and what wasn’t mowed down, was wilting under the cold snap from last night.
I will save the flower. I will keep it as a reminder of this day and what Abba has said. All I can think of is that the flower I was holding didn’t try to be anything it was not. It wasn’t trying to be any more beautiful or less beautiful than what it was. I was reminded of the words of Messiah that He said, consider the flowers of the field. They toil not nor do they spin, but they are more beautifully arrayed than all of the splendor of Solomon and his wisdom. Today, I consider the flower of the field. In that I will let go of trying to be someone I am not. My life is a life of complication—full of complex analysis and thinking. Joy is no where to be found in that kind of life. Yahuweh is speaking to me to find the simple joy in the littlest of things—even a bright and beautiful yellow flower that wasn’t suppose to be there. Yet…it was there for the purposes of Abba to show me that finding joy in the little things is the answer to the most complex of questions. And as I sat up from kneeling down in front of the flower, after I picked it, I said to myself…is this what it’s all about? Is this the answer? A life full of questions and analyzing my misery is summed up in one response, “find your happiness and joy in the little things, Derek”.
Recorded on November 19, 2016.
*love*